[fanFic] Transcendence: Heretic

Have a bit of Transcendence prose or poetry to share? Post it here!
Drako Slyith
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Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:25 am

I was actually just thinking of that. I think I want to get the story done first, so I know exactly what i need to do. :wink:
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ThePrivateer
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Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:27 am

Great sounding story there Drako but:
Eridan awoke with a start. After a moment of confusion, he remembered where he was. Despite his deep regrets, he found that he no longer had the desire to return home. He loved his wife, but he suddenly realized that he had to travel on towards the center of the galaxy. The thought came to him, as if not his own. Checking his map, he saw the nearest stargate, and piloted through. His movement triggered the automatic signal burst, set up to surround the stargate, and he saw a flash of light. When it resolved, he was in a new system. The universe was before him. All he had to do was step forward.
This section is a bit too quick -- he suddenly just forgets all about his wife and decides to go through a stargate to the core? Just seemed too quick and a bit rushed compared to the rest of the story -- but everything else is fantastic!

Keep it up! :mrgreen:

PS: Good to see you're spelling is improving ;)

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Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:41 am

yeah, sorry about the spelling. I was half asleep last night and I forgot to spell check half of it. And thanks for the advice; I'll go back and fix that problem.
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Sat Feb 26, 2011 11:05 pm

Ok. Fixed the rushing problem. Here's chapter III

Chapter III: Freedom

From the second Eridan left the stargate, he was overwhelmed with a sense of freedom. He could go anywhere he wanted, do anything he wanted. Just as long as he was heading towards the core. He felt strongly that he needed to go towards the core.

He looked at his display. To his confusion, the map was blank except for the planets and star. Shaking his head, he plotted a course for the nearest planet. Setting the ship on autopilot, he scouted out his new ship. Upon finding the cabin, he searched it for supplies and clothes. The matter replicator, the source of food on space vessels, was brand new and the most powerful version. He keyed in some Salomonite, his favorite, and sat down to eat it.

Before Eridan could take a bite, the alarms on his ship began screaming. Eridan tossed his fork onto the table on his way to the cockpit. He sat in the cockpit and saw four Corsair-class cruisers. Eridan had heard of the Charon pirates on the news. They were the most feared pirate gang in Commonwealth Space. Arming his lasers, he sat in the chair and let his instincts take control, as he had done during the battle with the Borers.

Without even considering the need, Eridan pulled and held the triggers. Three of the corsairs exploded into expanding gas clouds. The last one looped around, curving up in an attempt to come behind and over Eridan. Relying on the Inertial Cancelers, Eridan turned the ship as fast as it would go. He completed his turn and twitched his ship just out of the path of the corsair. Whoever this last pilot was, he was good.

Eridan pulled up, and completed his turn to see what appeared to be a corsair flying upside down. Pulling the trigger, Eridan exploded the corsair. Just before, however, Eridan thought he saw a silvery tube flash out of the side of the corsair. Eridan barely noticed; he was still filled with battle rage, and was focusing only on determining if any more ships were around. Flipping his ship back around, Eridan again set the ship on autopilot and flew towards the planet, then returned to his meal.



When Eridan reached the planet, he looked on his scanner display and saw that there was a Bushido weapon shop in orbit of it. Eridan decided to see what was in stock. After all, if he was going to get to the core, low-grade lasers wouldn't cut it.

Eridan entered the dock bay and entered the station. Outside the cargo bay, there was a sign pointing towards crew quarters, manufacturing plant, and the weapons purchase department. In the weapons purchase department, he met a young salesman with way, way to shiny teeth.

"Hello my friend." said the salesman in a smooth, practiced manner. "What can I help you with today?"

"I was just looking to see if there might be some new weapons that might be stronger than my lasers on my ship." replied Eridan.

"Well, I certainly see. Currently in stock, we have a very nice Dual Turbolaser setup, only 3600 credits. Or perhaps you're looking for a missile system? We have NAMI's newest launcher in stock. We can get you outfitted with it for just 2700 credits."

Eridan had 6730 credits in his account, saved up from years of working. He had put the majority of his earnings into a family account, but had saved a few into a personal account, in case of emergencies.

"Those Turbo's look good. Would you accept 3300 credits for them?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that. I can however go down to 3500, no lower."

"Deal. Can I trade in my current lasers?"

"Certainly. I can get those Turbo's on your ship for just 2500 and your lasers."

"Now hold on. Those lasers are brand new, hardly fired. They're polished, and in mint condition. 2300 credits."

The salesman sniffed, then said, "I can go 2450. That's all."

"Deal." replied Eridan.

"Thank you sir," replied the salesman, his voice regaining the oiled smoothness. "Would you like us to install them for an extra 250 credits?"

"Okay, sounds great. Thank you."

After filling out several documents, the salesman sent a messenger to the docking bay to make the modification. Soon after, Eridan returned to his ship, eager to test the weapons. He was pleased to see that the Turbolaser was also routed through the laser collimator and was nearly twice as powerful. Eridan was so eager to test the lasers, he almost missed the nine enemy ships cruising towards him.

Arming his Turbolasers, Eridan aimed for the lead ship, and blew it out of space. He checked his display, and saw that they were anarchists. They had been on the news. They had bought nearly all of the Commonwealth's battlepods before declaring independence. The pods were fast, but had minimal armor and no shields. Also, their weapons were very weak lasers, barely able to penetrate a hull, even with weak armor. The problem was they were fast enough to take as many shots as was needed.

Letting the battle fury take him, he tried for several minutes to destroy the last eight. He succeeded in destroying three before his shields fell. Eridan felt a moment of panic, and began flying towards the weapons shop, where they might be able to help them. While still several light-seconds out, the computer voice said, "Hull breach imminent."

Eridan's panic exploded, and he began hoping the anything at all would save him. Moments later, a voice, both ancient and recent, and more terrible and beautiful than anything Eridan had ever experienced, said, "Rest, Child."

A field of blue light enveloped him, and the lasers of the anarchists disappeared into the blue field. Eridan swung the ship around to align with the enemies, and continued firing. His lasers, however, disappeared into the field. Eridan reached the station, and the ships at it blew the anarchists into dust. Eridan, however, was too worried about what had happened to notice.
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Sun Feb 27, 2011 12:01 am

Brilliant! I like how you fixed up Chapter II and Chapter III is great -- I couldn't fault it. :D

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Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:34 pm

Chapter IV: Domina

Shortly after the battle, Eridan did a complete search and scan of his ship, trying to understand what had happened. Eridan even queried the computer, asking if anyone else was on board. Of course, no one was but Eridan. Deeply troubled, Eridan set into the station, looking this time to repair his armor.

Inside the station, Eridan walked towards the dock services desk. After negotiating an insane cost for the repairs, Eridan began wandering around the station, waiting for the crews to complete the repairs. After eating a finely prepared meal that set him back 25 credits, Eridan found himself at the doors of the station's chapel. Remembering the blue field, Eridan decided a crazy explanation would be better than none.

Entering the Chapel, Eridan was first taken aback by the carved crystal image on the opposing wall of the entry way. It was unimaginably intricate, and bespoke a beauty far beyond the imaginings of humans. Eridan shook his head. Where had that come from?

Not glancing back at the image, Eridan went into the main chapel. He entered, but found the room full of people, with a woman in red robes speaking to the crowd. Eridan had heard of the Sisters of Domina. They worshiped a being supposed to live in the core. Eridan had done a research paper on the core in school. It was a place filled with black holes sucking up everything, even each other; stars exploding and crashing into each other; and high energy gasses and nebulae. Not his first choice of a home.

After nearly three hours of watching the dull ceremony progress, Eridan was relieved to see the hundreds of people filter out through various doors leading to different parts of the station. Eridan saw the woman in the robes disappear through a door in the back of the stage. After most of the people had left, Eridan walked forward, climbed up on stage, and followed her.

In the door was a small room, with another of the carved symbols. In the middle of the room the woman was just taking down her hood. Upon seeing him, she froze, then snapped the hood back up, covering her face. "What is it? This area is off-limits to guests."

"I'm sorry." replied Eridan, not knowing what else to say. "I just had some questions."

"Well, you'd better have a seat. People like you tend to have long questions."

"Right, um yeah." stuttered Eridan. "So, I was just flying my ship, and then I tried to go home and I couldn't."

"Have you been having troubles at home." Asked the woman, her posture looking bored.

"No. I had a wife and a son on the way, but I have been having dreams." This seemed to spark some interest. "I dream I'm flying through space, then a wave of fire spreads through the universe."

At this, the woman's posture took on the appearance of shock. "I know what you see; I have seen it as well. You have been called by Domina, to join you at the core of the galaxy. You must travel to her, and join her."

"Okay..." replied Eridan, feeling like he had been given a sales pitch. "I also was in a fight, and a blue field came around me and protected me."

The woman sat back in her chair. "What you have experienced is called 'Sustain'. It is a power of Domina that will protect you."

"So, is there anything else she can do?"

"Sustain is only the beginning. As your connection to Domina deepens, she will help you more and more and give you power beyond your dreams."

"So how do I do that?"

"Domina blesses those who give generously. The connection is psychic and you need to communicate with her. Pray to her, and trust your fate to Domina. Meditation in the sanctuary will allow you to communicate with her. Now, if you wish to donate some of your worldly possessions to the Sisters of Domina, we can allow you to enter the sanctuary."

"Um, no thanks." Replied Eridan, wondering if this had all been some ploy to make him donate. "I think my ship is fixed now. Goodbye."

"Go in peace child." Replied the woman in a solemn voice. "May Domina go with you."

Eridan was now quite infuriated by the attempt to make him donate. He was at the point of going back and shouting, when the same voice as had come to him in the ship said, "Peace, Child. She speaks the truth."

Utterly scared, Eridan fled back to his ship, trying to figure out what was happening to him.
Last edited by Drako Slyith on Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:08 am

Nice Drako -- two glariningly obvious grammatical errors (yeah I know I have a thing for fixing up people's posts -_- )
Upon seeing you, she froze, then snapped the hood back up, covering her face.
'You' would be used if the entire story line was being narrated in a Second-person view (like how Transcendence explains the gameworld to you [or the style used in Choose-Your-Own Adventure books]). It just needs to be replaced with "him" (meaning the sister saw Eridan).
Prey to her
"Prey" is like an antelope - something that gets 'preyed' upon by something else and (usually) eaten. Predator = Prey -- Lion = Antelope. The correct word is "Pray", as in to Pray to [a] god.

That's pretty much it -- the story is getting nice and indepth now - keep up the good work! ;)

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Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:12 am

Oh oops. I'll go fix that now.
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Thu Mar 03, 2011 11:35 pm

Ok, Chapter V is here. Sorry for the delay, I had writer's block quite badly. Anyway:

Chapter V: Terek


After the repairs had been done on his ship, Eridan left the station, having been told of a Protection Services Station in the system, which sold armor and shields. Eridan entered the coordinates into his computer, and hoped to make it there and not be attacked.

To Eridan's relief, he was not attacked in transit. Checking his account, Eridan found he had roughly 4,500 credits left. He decided inside the station that his maximum price was 4000 credits, plus his current shield.

For ease of comparison shopping, damage amounts were reduced to units. His current shields were a Class II shield. It was quite good, able to sustain 45 Damage units, and around 50 if it was laser damage; and recharged 2.7 every minute. His armor was plasteel armor. It was very good as well. The anarchists, however, had had no trouble getting through his very good armor and shield.

Inside the station, Eridan was surprised to find not a sleazy salesman like in the weapons station, but a self-service kiosk. Entering the booth, Eridan entered his current shield specs and price range. Several options appeared on the screen, including a class III deflector and a new laser deflector. Eridan considered the laser deflector, but upon keying it for more information found it would block all laser energy, from inside the shields as well as outside. With turbo-lasers, this was not a good idea.

Towards the end of the list, Eridan found something that rather surprised him. It was a class III shield like he had seen, but it was used, and the previous owner had coaxed an extra 50% out of it. The shield far outperformed his current shield, cost 4000 credits, and used not too much power.

Eridan entered his order, and waited for more information. While Eridan was waiting, he was suddenly grabbed from behind. Before he could resist, a bag was tied around his head and he was dragged away, into the depths of the station. Somewhere along the way, he was either dropped or intentionally hit on his head, knocking him into unconsciousness.



Eridan was awakened by the splash of frigid water on his face. He shook his head a few times, trying to removed the water from his eyes without the use of his currently bound hands. After a mild success, Eridan opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was he was in a maintenance hallway. He could hear the station's ventilation pump needed a tuneup. But to distract him from this fact, there were two men standing, staring at him, smirks on their faces. The one on the left, who had a nasty looking scar from his upper left temple to his ear on the same side, spoke first, "So, you though you'd come to our station and just go ahead and buy our equipment."

"You got my credits!" protested Eridan, slightly confused but at the same time furious. "I've received no warning and by Commonwealth law this issue must be brought before a judge-"

"Oh, shut up!" shouted the other thug, who seemed to have pierced every part of his face that was not bone. "We don't care 'bout your petty laws."

"Fine." replied Eridan, trying to retain control. "What do you want?"

"Same as the next man. Credits. Credits to buy things. Credits to buy enhancements for things. And for those things to not be found in the cargo bay and set up for sale so the nearest shlup like you can buy them. Now, we're 10000 credits in the hole for that one. But if you just give us your ship, I think my friend would be glad to not reverse the concavity of your face."

Before Eridan could answer, several shouted curses and fining sounds echoed from down the hall. The thugs looked around nervously. Abruptly, a young man with shaggy hair and raggedy clothes bolted around the corner, pursued by several thugs like the ones Eridan was being held by. Upon seeing the thugs near Eridan, the man's face split into a wide grin. He seemed to be absolutely enjoying the chase. As he ran past, he reached out and snagged a few dozen piercings on the thug near Eridan and ripped them clean out, tucking them into his pocket as if they were some kind of trophy.

The thug roared in anger, and set off in pursuit. The scarred thug took one look at Eridan, then joined the chase, shouting for blood. Eridan sat in the cold for what seemed like forever, but was probably around ten minutes. After a careful look around the corner, the young man came sauntering out towards him, a grin on his face, "Nothing like outwitting a couple of Charons eh?"

Then all the pieces fit. The pirates had been working on a new shield prototype, and a dock services robot had found it and though it was a misfiled item, and had cataloged it and sold it for logical price. And Eridan had bought it, and it was now on his ship. This theory did not, however, explain the young man.

"Excuse my asking, but who are you?" asked Eridan.

"Oh, I'm Terek, Terek Vaughn, from Earth." he said in heavy accent. "I've been fighting the pirates since I was sixteen. They killed my parents ya know. All I want is revenge. Also, if all of them happen to drop dead, hey, that's just a bonus."

"So is it just you or do you work for an organization?"

"Mostly, it's just me. I run missions for the Shipping Company in the system for cash to fund my private rebellion. I have a nice ship too, a wolfen. Brand new prototype. It flies like nothing else. Now, enough about me, what are you doing stealing my trouble?"

"I'm just a pilgrim, flying to the core. I bought a shield that wasn't supposed to be listed and now they want my ship or my head."

"Ohhhhh... a pilgrim..." he said, his voice growing slow, and thoughtful. "I should've know. When I was young my dad got these dreams, then he told me and my mom to pack our things and get in a ship. We were five minutes out, a group of raiders came in... There was only one escape pod. My dad was trapped under a beam, my mother was on the other side... They told me to go, to live a full life... I watched, just five years old, as my parents were murdered by those pirates for a couple of barrels of rice. Trust me, pilgrim. Domina brings nothing but heartache. Give up now. You can't make it to the core. No one can. All you can do is live life and make sure you end up the one on top."

"I must reach the core, I must. It's the only way to make the dreams stop..."

"Humph. Dreams. Dreams are nothing but the brain short-circuiting. Look, I'd love to have a philosophical debate, but in about three minutes those thugs'll be back with some help and I don't want to be here when the bomb goes off."

"What bomb?"

"This one!" grinned Terek as he reached into his pocket and withdrew an old fashioned Merean Detonation Pack. It had a major plasma charge able to destroy an entire building. It was a rough, outdated weapon, but it could still blow the whole corridor out of the galaxy. The man pulled a knife out of his pocket with his other hand, then cut Eridan's bounds with quick, efficient cuts. As Eridan was getting up, the man set the LED timer to three minutes, then activated it. The man tied the grenade to the back of the chair with the bounds he had cut from Eridan, then grinned and ran down the corridor.

Eridan followed after him, trying to keep up. He knew that the grenade was a left over of the buildup during the gene crisis. Though the grenade was nearly 250 years old, he had no doubts about its potency. It was not powerful to blow up the station; it wasn't near enough the critical equipment. It was able to destroy everything and everyone in that corridor, with the shock wave able to destroy much of the surrounding floor. As if realizing this, Terek dodged up a nearby flight of service stairs.

Eridan very much regretted canceling his subscription to the gym on the station that had been his home. Feeling pangs in his side, Eridan tried to force himself up the stairs. After three floors, he couldn't do any more. He collapsed on the floor. Terek pulled to a stop, cursed, then headed back. He dragged Eridan around a corner, then crouched down on the floor next to him. Terek's watch beeped a rapid beet.

The shock wave flattened Eridan to the floor, and forced bile to his throat but Terek somehow stayed crouching, though strain showed on his face. After regaining his energy, Eridan tried to sit up.

"Easy there." smiled Terek. "You're fine. I'll take it you're not a regular gym subscriber? Anyway, if you want to find me again, try my Korolov request card." Terek tossed him a card then ran down the corridor, and disappeared around the corner.
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Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:28 am

Good plot development there Drako -- you've got humour too, and some good action. I like the reference to Arco Vaughn's great-grandad (or whatever the relation is).

Keep it up -- and with regards to writers' block, don't worry we all get it! :D

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Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:02 am

Okay, here's chapter VI

Chapter VI: Gjaren

Eridan was flying out of the main docking port in the station, when he got a sudden blip on his scanner. Checking the readout, he saw a single charon Corsair. Eridan almost laughed until he saw that there was a shield. It must have been retrofitted by the owner.

Cursing, Eridan armed his lasers and checked his shields. His shields were were at 78% charge. Eridan was still sure that he could win. After all, it was just a single corsair. That was why when the comm beeped, Eridan almost slipped out of his chair.

Scrambling back in his chair, Eridan keyed the visual display. On the screen appeared the face of the pirate with the scar that had kidnapped him. He seemed to have some new burns on him. "So you thought you'd just skip out with my shield?"

"I bought this shield nice and fair. It's not my fault."

"I don't care whose fault it was. I can just loot my shield off your wreck."

"I don't think so. This is my shield" said Eridan, hoping to stall long enough to let his shields recharge a bit more. "Come and take it."

The ship came streaking at Eridan, and Eridan let his instincts kick in. Flipping his ship upward, Eridan was able to pass over him and keep his shields recharging. Eridan then tried to flip his ship back around and squeeze a shot back at the pirate, but the pirate flew past, pounding his shields and streaking past the canopy, avoiding all of Eridan's shots.

The fighting style of this pirate seemed oddly familiar. All of the sudden, Eridan's comm beeped again. Keying it in, the same pirate appeared on his screen. "I thought your ship looked familiar. You shot down my ship in the Centauri System."

Eridan did remember. He had thought the ship looked similar, but he never imagined that that silvery flash had been an escape pod. He cursed again. "I thought you were dead. That's an error on my part which I shall now fix."

With that, Eridan shut off his comm and pulled to a stop as fast as he could. The corsair, which had been on his tail, shot ahead and aligned perfectly with Eridan's aiming reticule. Eridan pulled the trigger, and twin green lasers streaked through space and hit the ship. The first five or six shots vanished into the shields, but then the shots were through.

Eridan thought that the corsair should have exploded by now. It must have had stronger armor installed as well. The corsair curved out of his line of sight. Eridan checked his readout and saw that his shields were down to 29% and the corsair had regained shields to 18%. Running quick calculations, Eridan figured that if the enemy got another clear line of shots at him, Eridan would be heavily damaged, if not destroyed.

The corsair seemed to come to the same conclusion, and did an abrupt turn, then released his shots at Eridan. With a siren, Eridan's shields fell. Eridan continued firing as well, lasers ripping the shields of the corsair down. Checking his readout again, Eridan saw that he had 80% armor left, and the pirate had 60% forward armor left.

Eridan twitched his ship to avoid a collision. Eridan was so focused on maneuvers that he failed to notice when a ship with twin weapon's arms and a central cockpit came out of the station, and began firing a Flenser Relativistic cannon. The corsair exploded, but not before a silvery streak could shoot out of the side and fly towards the edge of the system, in the direction of the last planet.

The Wolfen curved away, showing its belly; a pilot's salute, before flying towards the furthest planet. Eridan plotted a course, and followed him. Keying his comm, Eridan tried to hail Terek. After several tries, Terek's face appeared in the screen. He appeared to have just woken up. "Ahhh, it's you. Good to see you again! Now, what do you want?"

"I was wondering where you were going." replied Eridan. In truth, he wanted to make sure that that pilot was dead.

"I heard there was a Charon base on the last planet in this system. I'm going to blow it up."

"I thought I saw an escape pod from that corsair fly towards the base. I want him dead."

Terek smiled. "Ah yes. I call the first eight corsairs!"

With that, he sped off towards the station, Eridan struggling to catch up.



The Charon Base was a basic satellite design of the early 21st century. It was a single cylinder, with two arms extending from either side, with solar panels attached. It had been retrofitted and had a single turbolaser a mounted on the top of the cylinder. Eridan and Terek sped towards it.

Terek's voice crackled over the comm, "I'll take starboard, you take port?"

"Agreed" said Eridan, trying to remember which side was port and which was starboard. Upon remembering, Eridan swerved port. On his scanner, Eridan saw Terek on the other side of the station. Terek then turned and sped to the station. Eridan turned, and opened up fire on the station. Terek did likewise, but focused on the ships coming out of the station's docking bay. Terek's Flenser Relativistic cannon was able to blast a gaping hole in the middle of the corsairs. By the time Terek and Eridan passed each other on their way over the station, only three corsairs remained.

Turning as fast as possible Eridan sped back to the station. Terek had already completed the turn and destroyed the last of the corsairs. Eridan was about to finish off the station, when Terek's voice came over the comm, "Wait, I want to go in. It's been a long time since I had a good small-arms fight. It'll be fun!"

Shaking his head, Eridan followed Terek into the docking bay. There were a few bodies scattered around, but Eridan saw a few intact barrels of rice. He made a mental note to grab them and sell them. With only 500 credits left, he needed to sell all he could.

Terek had exited his ship already, dressed in an armored vac suit, armed with a Kinetic Slug launcher. It was an old weapon, dating back to the Gene Crisis buildup. Eridan began to wonder if Terek had a secret Gene Crisis Armory.

Eridan hurried to get on his vac suit. It was layered in monopole dust. The dust was able to resist both kinetic and laser damage. He grabbed a laser riffle from the arms locker. He ran out of the ship after Terek, who had disappeared through a blast door.

Eridan was able to barely keep up with Terek, catching sight of him as he walked around corners. From signs on the walls, Eridan could tell he was heading to the command level.


The command level had only a few rooms, which looked like they were conference rooms, and a few planning rooms. At the end of the hall Eridan found the command center.

Terek was waiting at the door. "There you are. Have you noticed anything strange?"

"No," replied Eridan. Confused, Eridan waited for Terek to explain it.

"We didn't blow up this station, we just scored some of the armor. So, where is everyone?"

A feeling of confusion came over Eridan. He could think of no reason for the station to be deserted. A station this size could house dozens of pirates.

Eridan pointed his weapon at the door, and fried the lock. Inside was what looked like a standard command room. A large display screen stood against one screen. Several pits were sunk into the floor, with officer stations were inside.

Against one wall were the command escape pods. One was filled by the pirate with the scar. Eridan cursed. "Why don't you die?" he lined up his gun and pulled the trigger. The bolt deflected off in a flash of blue-green sparks. The pirate smiled. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced. I'm Gjaren, commander of this station, ex quadruple ace of the Commonwealth fleet. And you?"

Before Eridan could answer, Terek interrupted, "I'm your death. You needn't know more than that. Goodbye." Lining up a shot, Terek began firing. The shield effortlessly absorbed the shots.

"That's a class II shield around this pod. Nothing short of a Turbolaser blast could stop it."

"Well," replied Terek, "I'll just have to blow up your station."

"I expected as much, and I won't forget it. I have stronger allies than these Charon pests. You will regret crossing me."

With that, he blew the hatch, shooting the pod into space. By the time Eridan and Terek reached their ships, the pod had disappeared from their scanners. With a steady stream of curses, Eridan blew the station out of orbit, sending it crashing into the planet.
Last edited by Drako Slyith on Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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ThePrivateer
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Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:22 am

Good work again Drako, but you seem to have dropped the spelling and grammar ball a bit! xD

Apart from that, it's quite good -- the only problem is the story seems to be moving along inconsistently. For instance, we had the rather brilliant section about the Charon Pirates and Terek, but now we're just onto Eridan escorting freighters?

It's just seeming to be more like a diary of a regular Transcendence game -- that's not a bad thing, but the story shows so much promised about Eridan getting to the core and resolving these visions that I can't help but feel a little let down.

That's my only comment for now Drako -- good work as usual, but you might want to consider my recommendations.

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Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:27 am

Ok thanks for the comments. I rather agree rereading it that it does seem rather like it goes from an exciting part to a boring part. I will probably either replace that chapter or else remove the part about Korolov. Thanks for the tips. I also went back and checked spelling.
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ThePrivateer
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Sat Mar 05, 2011 7:32 am

Drako Slyith wrote:Ok thanks for the comments. I rather agree rereading it that it does seem rather like it goes from an exciting part to a boring part. I will probably either replace that chapter or else remove the part about Korolov. Thanks for the tips. I also went back and checked spelling.
:D No problem! Constructive criticism helps everyone!

My suggestion would be that Eridan meets back up with Terek and convinces him to accompany him onward to the next solar system -- sort of like the wingmen the player gets in the real game. It's a long, looong way to the core, so staying around the one system might drag the story a bit. :P

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Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:37 pm

Ok I changed the chapter so it doesn't use Korolov.
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